I’m going to go a bit off the beaten path with today’s Saturday Side Note.  Rather than discuss something I love, I’m going to talk about something I hate: Canceling.  A few of my close friends have been privileged (sarcasm) to hear the following rant, and one actually said I should “do a podcast or something” about it, and so this blog is my “or something” about what I feel is genuinely The Scourge of Our Generation (I’m 32 and apparently a Millenial).  Canceling hadn’t been as much of an issue in my life in the last five years or so; I think that it’s more of an epidemic with the kids in their 20s.  But, nothing is every over, is it?  And my visceral reaction to canceling reared its ugly head recently and I figured I’d let out my irritation.

I attract Cancelers like flies to shit.  I don’t know what it is.  It got to the point where, a few years ago, I came up with (through observation and taking several factors into consideration) the exact number of times, over a specific period of time, I’ll be cool with someone canceling before I forget about the friendship and move on.  (I’ll tell you my Magic Number if you ask.)  I had to do this to save my sanity.  Your number may be different, or you may not feel the need to have one at all, but there was a point when I had to say “Enough!”  It was borderline ridiculous how many people I knew (past tense is important) that felt like choosing a day and time to do something and saying, “See you then!” turned into something optional.  But, of course, there had to be something in my personality that also “allowed” people to do it frequently, so later on I’ll give some tips for those on the crappy end of numerous cancellations.

Aside from just the frequency at which I was a victim of canceling, a second reason it grates on me: People are either Cancelers, or they’re not.  There is no in-between.  I have friends I have known since seventh grade, that I see dozens of times per year, who have never canceled on me, not once.  I’ve also had (operative word) friends who have canceled on me four times in six months – four times out of the five or six times we made plans at all. Going even further:  I’ll describe someone’s frustrating cancelation to a third party and the person will get this confused look on their face: “Huh?  But she said she was coming.  Did something come up?  No?  Well then . . . why isn’t she going?”  Some non-cancelers literally can’t comprehend why someone wouldn’t show up when they say they will without some emergency.  I firmly believe 90% of cancellations are out of habit, regardless of the deeper reasons behind them (which I’ll get into).  Because of that, I believe that most often, it is a behavior that can be greatly improved, if not completely stopped.  In addition, if you find yourself all dressed up with nowhere to go once a month because of last minute cancelations, there are totally ways to curb this bad habit (both yours and your friends’) without ruining friendships – most of the time.

So, let’s get some things out of the way before any thought police come to school me.

I am not talking about canceling for an actual, legitimate, once-in-a-blue reason such as:

1. Illness (of self or family member one must take care of),
2. Your dick boss that called you in for a shift last minute,
3. Traffic jam, car accident, anything having to do with the other scourge of our generation, The Limits and Consequences of Every Type of Transportation,
4. Your dumb boyfriend who didn’t tell you it was his Granny’s 100th birthday party until two hours before, when you were walking out to do something else that you now have to cancel because obviously Granny’s birthday is more important (obviously there are infinite examples in this category); let’s call this, The Uninformed Double-Booking.

I’m sure folks can come up with a few other things that don’t fit neatly onto that list.  But the main idea to take away from that list of “acceptable reason to cancel” is that it should be both a Rare and Universal Experience.  We’ve all had sick relatives; we’ve all been sick ourselves; we’ve all forgotten about something incredibly important and accidentally double-booked, or been uninformed of something else we were expected to attend; we’ve all been the victim of the MTA (at least, us in NYC have), a dead car battery, or some fool that didn’t signal so someone rear-ended him and now we all have to sit on a highway thinking about existence and honestly, it’s cruel.

But – and this is a big but – we’ve rarely had this happen more than a few times a year (again, with the exception of the MTA, an organization I see as giving you carte blanche to blame it for all of your problems, whether it’s canceling, being late, or even just your haircut not coming out the way you want; that organization is a godforsaken mess, blame it for everything, always, because it probably does have some sort of influence on every awful aspect of life).  Anyway, keep in mind that if you continue telling the same friend over and over that you’re sick to the point when you don’t see them for six months, that friend will undoubtedly be pretty concerned at first, and then pretty angry when they see the pics of yourself at someone else’s party on Facebook.

Unacceptable reasons to cancel are typically frequent, vague, and often don’t come at all.

You know the type: It seems like every time you want to hang out with someone, you have this sort of creeping notion in the back of your head that, no matter what they say, it isn’t really confirmed until you’re actually on the Wonder Wheel together, enjoying a funnel cake.

There’s also the issue of anxiety, which I’ll discuss in Part 2.  If you cancel a lot because of anxiety, I’m with you, and I get it – read the second part for tips and also if you happen to be the friend of an anxious person who does this.

The rudest type of canceling is the I Got a Better Offer cancel.

Holy shit.  Never, ever fucking do this.  Ever.  I have no advice for you, except stop being an asshole.  You made a plan with someone, you do not ever cancel to do something else unless we’re talking about Type of Acceptable Canceling #4, listed above: A once-in-a-life-time, impossible-to-reschedule event.  And, no, your friend from college deciding to visit your city last minute wanting to get together for drinks – when you know she’s here literally four times a year – is not part of #4.  Neither is the party the hot guy at work is throwing, even if you’re desperate to find out if he’s single.  Oh, and speaking of men, your boyfriend’s last-minute whim is also never going an acceptable excuse; I mention this because a lot of the I Got a Better Offer cancels are from straight women, using their boyfriends or their boyfriends’ friends and family events as excuses.  Nope.  Once, maybe; twice, get annoyed; third time, buy him a calendar on your way home from a night out with the girls, cause that fool doesn’t respect your time.

Another version of this is the Preemptive Cancel, aka, Keeping My Options Open.  Ooooh, there is a special, special place in Hell for people that do this.  It sounds like this:

“Oooh, that movie you want to go see in two days?  I’ll have to see what my boyfriend and I are doing.”

“I’d love to meet you for coffee, but I have to warn you, I might end up having to reschedule last minute because my hair stylist could get an opening and of course I’d have to take it!”

“I dunno, I’ll have to see.” [changes subject]
[Two weeks and two reminders later] “Ooh, did I miss that party? Soooo sorry!!  I’m so bummed I missed it!”

Note the vagueness of these.  I want to make clear that someone saying, “Let me check my schedule and get back to you” is not this at all.  That’s a normal, grown-up thing to do, and we’ll talk more about the usefulness of that phrase in your life later.  My friends and I say it to each other all the time, but what makes it different from the Keeping My Options Open lack of thoughtfulness is that we actually, you know, do get back to each other at some point.  Or, if we forget to, ask each other again and the response is, “Oh, fuck, sorry, I forgot, lemme check right now . . .” and all is well in the world.

Back to the KMOO person, here’s the thing: You are a grown-up, I assume.  If you are not a grown-up, just know that I love and support you and I hope you take all of this to heart so you don’t end up an asshole like the people I’m describing.  Anyway – grown-up or not, you have no right to put the onus of the plans on the host.

It is incredibly, without question, rude.  When you give a vague, open-ended response to an earnest invitation, you are saying to someone, “I may or may not show up; you may or not be important to me.  You may or may not schedule your own life until I deign to get back to you.”

And that’s the thing: Folks that repeatedly do this are manipulative.  They are basically holding your life hostage until they figure their shit out.  Because, let me tell you this bluntly: Grown-ups know if they have plans.  They are capable of commitment.  They can text your boyfriend right now and ask him, for example.  Open your planner or your phone calendar and check.

A word about the KMOO Girlfriend/Boyfriend Canceler, I don’t buy the, “But a boyfriend/girlfriend is like family, so aren’t his needs more important than a friend’s?” nonsense.  Because here’s the thing this is all based around: You don’t know if he will actually want to hang out with you.  You know why you don’t know?  Because chances are, your partner is not revolving his/her life around you.  He’s not texting you before choosing to go play video games with his buddies, because he (rightly) assumes that you each have a life and want to hang out with your friends sometimes.  (Obviously I’m not talking about obsessive dudes who control your every move, just regular relationships.)  So “I dunno what Bob wants to do” is just an excuse to keep your options open.

What grates me about the “I have to warn you, I might cancel!” is the . . . simpering.  The whole, “CAN’T GET MAD!” aspect of it.  Ugh.  Warning me that you might cancel does not absolve you.  It actually makes it worse.  Because, a true canceling is (as listed above) rare; you can’t predict it.  What you say when you warn you might cancel is that you expect the other party to accept that you found something more important to do than spend time with them, and worse, that that is perfectly okay and if they have a problem with it, they’re dramatic or overreacting.  That’s really, really shitty.  You’re also saying, “I absolve myself of all responsibility of getting my shit together and having to actually choose how I spend my time.  Instead of being an adult and choosing, I’m going to leave it up in the air regardless of whether that fucks over someone else’s schedule.”

A word to folks who do this: You know how you have that hair appointment or time with your boyfriend and it’s really, really important to you?  The person inviting you also has loved ones they like spending time with (or need to); they also want to get their hair done; they also have school and work and kids and whatever and you know what they did?  They looked at their calendar, saw a free afternoon, and wanted to spend it with you.  And it super sucks if you can’t make it.  It does.  But don’t, don’t, don’t put the responsibility on the person who is actually doing the inviting to deal with your lack of ability to plan.  They did their part, their grown-up part, and found the time and came up with something to do.  In addition: They may like you so much that they think, “Well!  Okay!  Maybe it won’t work out, but hopefully it will!”

And now I want you picturing that person sitting alone in a coffee shop feeling like poo.  You did that.  And they can’t be upset with you because, well, you warned them, right?

How to Deal with Better Offer Canceling/Options Open as the Inviter

If someone repeatedly cancels on you, and you know they’re going somewhere else and had a better offer:

Option #1: Stop inviting them places.  They can’t be cured, and if it pisses you off that much, it isn’t a healthy relationship anyway.  Or, of course, you’re just way too different people with different expectations o the relationship.

Option #2: Invite them to stuff that doesn’t depend on their presence, like group outings.  You’ll still get to go out and have fun, but it doesn’t make a difference if they show up or not.

Both can be done in combination with . . . 

Option #3: Call them out on it.  When you plan something, say it: “Are you going to actually show up?  Because the last three times we’ve hung out, you end up somewhere else, and it sort of fucks up my day.”  (As you can tell, I don’t really believe in being anything but blunt with this type of behavior, I find it so egregious.) What they do after will dictate whether you follow up with either the first or second options.

If someone you invite to do things frequently responds with the vague, “keeping my options open” line, here are some responses:

Option #1: Give them a time line, and follow up.  
“Okay, let me know on Tuesday,” and text him/her on Tuesday to ask.  If they still don’t know, move on to Option #2.

Option #2: Just pass on it.
This is what I do, because I’m too old for this shit.  “Oh, okay.  It sounds like that weekend might be busy.  In that case, we’ll just talk in a few weeks and try to set something up then.”  And actually do that, especially if you generally like this person and are just sick of waiting around.  Another thing that frequently happens when you bring up the idea of skipping it is that the Better Options person will suddenly have a change of heart: “No, no I think I can make it!  I can!”  Okie dokie.  Set up a concrete time and place right then.  

How to Break Your Habit of Taking Better Offers/Keeping Options Open

1. Really get it into your head that it isn’t an option to keep people hanging.
   Think long and hard about how irritating it would be if, every time you went to hang out with someone, they couldn’t bring themselves to confirm their presence.  Let that sink in.  It’s really, really aggravating.
2. Consider when and with whom you do this.
   Does this start becoming common during finals?  You’re stressed, and probably want to hang out but genuinely might not have time.  Is it always with the same person?  Maybe you’re just not into them.  Is it the same type of invitation (party, movie, bar)?  You just don’t like that type of thing.
3. Consider what you keep hoping will happen instead of the invite.
   Don’t want to commit because maybe, just maybe the Super Cool Girl at work may want to hang out?  Why?  What’s so great about her?  Can she actually help your career?  If she can, is it necessary to spend personal time?  Can you ask her to hang out instead of waiting for her?  Cause here’s the thing: You have a real, breathing friend who wants to hang out right in front of you, right now.  So you can either deal with reality, or live in some world where maybe things will happen and better be rude just in case.
4. Own your conclusions, and offer other options in the future.
   “Eh, I’m not into bars, but maybe next week we can go to this restaurant I heard about?”  A lot of this lack of commitment I suspect stems from insecurity – not wanting to admit that you don’t want to do something and/or would rather do something else.  Well, unfortunately, if you’re over the age of 20, you need to get into the practice of committing not just to relationships (romantic, professional and friend relationships) – but to yourself and who you are and what you like and don’t.  Get confident with it.  Don’t be shady, cause then you’ll just have shady, insecure people around you.

All the Cancelin’ Ladies, Put Your Hands Up!

That’s it for Part 1 of my treatise on canceling.  If you do this without having an underlying issue, you need to change.  Sorrynotsorry.  It makes people feel like crap and it will definitely catch up with you at some point.  Admit that you do it, and then put in the effort; if it were impossible, then literally everyone would constantly cancel on each other all the time, and you know that’s not how it works.

If, however, you have some other shit going on and canceling is a mere symptom, I highly recommend moving on to Part 2 of this discussion – it has more to do with canceling due to anxiety and how to be better about it.