Hey all! So, I am currently on vacation in LA, and I’ve been pondering this post for a few weeks and decided this was a good time to type it all down – with the birds chirping, a sunburn from too much fun in the first couple of days, and a low-level of anxiety that’s been tricky to shake since I’ve been here.

I alluded in my last post to the idea that there are lots of forms of being “into” meditation and mindfulness and that even for people like me who have gone as far as to get private lessons and have a relatively consistent practice, there are different sorts of things – meditatIVE things – that are better suited for different times.

I came into this trip ready to feel immediately relaxed, chill, just “happy to be here” kind of vibes and that was . . . not what happened. All of a sudden, right upon arrival, I got a huge knot in my stomach and chest. I couldn’t eat much, which is a major sign of major anxiety for me. Eating is the last thing to go, and that’s how I know I’ve gotta really take care of myself. Emotionally, I might feel ok, but I know my anxiety is at its worst when it’s actually more physical. Muscles are tense, my breathing is shallower, etc. I don’t necessarily “feel” anxious until I have a thought that sends me into a spiral, but that doesn’t always happen. I’m a “freezer” – I can’t move when I’m stricken with anxiety, I can’t make a decision, even if I don’t feel nervous or fearful about a specific choice. It’s more encompassing than that, it’s in my cells. (It is stupid and quite cumbersome.)

Anyway – this was rather shocking considering I’d had absolutely nothing but positive feelings for this trip since it’s been planned. I actually would think about it and start smiling to myself like a loon. And I’m an incredibly anxious traveler, so this had been a super good sign that maybe I’d overcome a hurdle, but nope, there’s that sneaky bitch just laying in wait.

At first, I tried to rationalize it: The neighborhood I’m in is a bit strange, with signs everywhere saying SUSPICIOUS BEHAVIOR WILL BE REPORTED which of course made me paranoid about walking around because clearly I must look like a bad, bad suspicious person.

But yeah, the vibe felt off, it was super quiet, the beach was a bit further than I thought and it just felt . . . really uncomfortable. And when I say I was ready to relax, lemme tell you – I truly have felt, just in anticipation of this trip, like a human valium walking around, and the “ALERT, ALERT DANGER” nature of what I was feeling was so jarring partly because of how severely in contrast it was to what I had been feeling in the days leading up to it.

There’s nothing much to do, of course, but meditate and journal profusely – which I had planned to do anyway, but hadn’t counted on it being mostly to ameliorate anxiety; more to discover, like, the deepest parts of my inner joy or whatever. And as the days have gone on, it’s eased somewhat. It’s incredibly difficult to stay in the moment when you feel like something terrible is going to happen, or that you’re doing something profoundly wrong, especially when you’re in “paradise” – because then you feel like a complete moron, compounding the anxiety with, What the fuck is wrong with me?

One thing I had planned on doing long before I felt so weird was look up a place here to do a group meditation. I’ve really been craving a solid group meditation for awhile, and figured I’d look up a place nearby when I got here, and boy did I get a good one: Lake Shrine [LINK].

I had had no idea I’d be so close to such a historic, spiritual place, nor that I’d be so incredibly lucky to be able to attend their first services after being closed for COVID. There was a group meditation, yes, but it was part of a larger “sermon” or lecture (basically an hour total) that was so beautiful and what I needed to hear. I can’t find the name of the man who led the service, but suffice it to say, he was pretty wonderful. During the opening meditation, I became extremely distracted by the thought that I had left my phone on (note: my phone is never not on “do not disturb,” so there was no reason for this, of course). I worked really hard to breathe it out and then later, after the meditation – a cell phone went off. It wasn’t mine. It was the man conducting the service (cry-laughing emoji here). With a quick grin and a sly, “Please turn off your cell phones,” the moment was over and quite funny. I consider this (think what you want) a little wink-wink from the universe – even when our anxieties come true, they’re rarely as disastrous as we might assume in our heads, and also, little things like that happen to everyone.

A few tidbits from the service that I scribbled down in my journal as soon as I could:

Just because you’re struggling, doesn’t mean you’re failing.

Thoughts and feelings that weaken you are not justified.

Don’t believe your late-night thoughts.

And a lot more that I wouldn’t do justice to attempting to quote it. Essentially, there were words based around the sort of Where are we now? What do we do? feelings coming out of COVID, the feelings of loneliness that we feel being around other people after being isolated so long, etc. It was on-point, friendly, funny (please do not try to get me into any sort of spirituality without a sense of humor), comforting, and calm.

I’ll admit, I wasn’t in a prime space to receive it fully, as anyone who has experienced extreme anxiety will understand. You can surround yourself with what you need, but sometimes you just need to let it sit and wait until you’re ready to pick it up. It got me over a bit of a hump though, and I’m grateful.

All of this to say – and the main reason I’d wanted to write this since the “heavily meditated” post – there’s a reason meditation is a discipline and a practice, not a peak you reach and stay on without effort. However, what’s nice about it is that with consistency, you can laser into what you need to get you out of the rough spots much more quickly. It puts you in touch with yourself in a way that nothing else can. Now, I know that I spent a lot of time in the last post saying how it might not be for everyone and I absolutely still believe that – I think that meditative and mindfulness exercises can also do a ton toward the same goal, of really accepting and understanding yourself and your needs. But I have to take a moment to really consider that a few years ago, this same level of anxiety occurring on a long-planned trip, would have ruined it ultimately. I would have just fallen into despair. Now, though, I knew to move. To meditate. To journal. To find a spot where others want the same thing I’m after. To listen to podcasts and watch tv shows that make me laugh (it’s amazing how, when out of your routines, you realize how much of what you do keeps you calm – I had this feeling of I’M NOT WATCHING TV ON VACATION THAT’S FUCKING STUPID until I started thinking I was going to vomit from anxiety, so I put on “Never Have I Ever” and “Schitt’s Creek” and “Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend”).

I hiked up a fucking mountain to get rid of this shit, and honestly? I want to do it again when I’m not just trying to exhaust the fear right out of myself.

Suffice to say, and going back to the title of this post, yes I have a mantra for meditation – but while what I use when I’m actually sitting never changes, the “mantra” that goes through my head the rest of the day does, depending on what I need in the moment. When I first started meditation lessons, my teacher told me, “Oh, Katie, you’re trying so hard. I want you to just, all day when you’re walking around and doing your thing, to repeat in your head, I give up.” Hahahahaha. And it worked! And I still repeat I give up sometimes. Recently, in trying to come down from a very hard year (who isn’t?) a different phrase popped into my head: I don’t have anything to do. Yes, exercising helps anxiety (I’m a walker – I walk everywhere, maybe I’m walking past you RIGHT NOW!!), but sometimes this translates into “never stop moving,” and “constantly finding shit to do to keep your mind busy,” which is also not great. Because then this cycle happens where, when you do finally sit down, you assume there’s some task you haven’t completed – because you’ve made up things that must be done.

So it goes: Meditate, feel out what you need in the moment, get it as best you can. The more you practice that like a muscle, the more clearly and quickly you’ll know exactly what to do when feelings pop up. Today, I blogged. Later, I’ll go for a walk. I’ll repeat to myself that I trust what I need, and I trust that I already have it. It’ll be hard, and I’m kind of bummed at the unexpected hardness. But it’ll also be ok.

What a long, strange trip it’s been – not this vacation, this trip is still going on for awhile. I just mean in general, in life, in all of the nonsense. It’s Whack-a-Mole really; you think you’ve gotten to a place where you know what to do, and hoooo boy, you never really do. Curveballs abound. But, when you know yourself okay – when you know you can give yourself space, that you’ve done it before, when you can hear yourself – it’s easier to get to the other side.

Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for a walk.

If you like my nonsense, more of it is available on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook. I’m actually having a lot of fun on Twitter and try to keep talk about what new cool art is around/coming out soon, which helps me keep my head on and heart hopeful. Email me at whatthehellisonmyface at gmail dot com.