Allow me, dear reader, to impart upon you a fairy tale: A weary princess – nay, queen – stumbles wearily through the village, merely fulfilling the obligations of her kingdom. In this case, her kingdom of skincare, a domicile fraught with violent history but has seemed to finally reach its period of peace and prosperity. In an effort to go beyond mere maintenance of facilities (garbage pickup, a.k.a. clearing of acne; the selection of a comptroller, a.k.a. wrinkle prevention), the queen has endeavored to add some beauty, some spark to the kingdom as a reward, a bright spot for all its efforts to regain its composure.

For this, she attempted to meet an old friend, always steady in their support of this venture. Alas! The friend was not at home. She had perhaps gone to a more exclusive castle, accessible only by internet connection and the Queen had already walked so far in the village. Miracle of miracles, the magical doorman at the door of the absent friend’s house pointed her toward another possible ally, and upon meeting this new bosom friend, the Queen was able to give the gift of pizzazz to her kingdom and lived happily ever after.

***

Okay, enough of the looooong metaphors (allegories? allegory, singular?). What happened was just this (the wind began to switch, the house to pitch): I went to Sephora to buy my all-time favorite red lipstick, Bawse by Smashbox. I already reviewed it with Ms. Rachel, who is the one who gifted it to me, but in summary, it’s a great matte, doesn’t come off for NOTHING, a perfect shade of blue-leaning red, etc. The only downsides are that it could be considered slightly too dry of a matte as well as that never-comes-off aspect. I have horrific fine motor skills as well as a difficult-to-define lip line, and it dries so fast and well that it doesn’t leave room for a lot of mistakes when applying. In fact, when Rachel gifted me the tube, she included Jack Black’s oil-based lip balm to be able to take it off. But when I say that shit doesn’t move, I mean it. If you’re planning on wearing a mask for your Valentine’s Day celebration, it’s probably still the best way to go.

Anyway – they only sold it online. And the WONDERFUL salesperson, upon hearing that it was my favorite shade of red, thoughtfully responded, “You know, Huda just came out with a new line of matte lip color and I’m pretty sure they have one that’s a similar color to Bawse.” And behold! It was as they said. The shade color? “Miss America,” of course.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I’m getting stir crazy. I could’ve ordered it online, but I’m . . . just tired of it. I was there. I was in the mall. And with the amount of time spent alone over the last two years, even a couple of hours’ trip to that crowded consumer bastion wears me out for the rest of the weekend. I wanted to walk out with that lipstick, dammit. I came here, I got all of this other shit, this was the one thing on my list, here we go. So there. Of course, with the SUPPLY CHAIN (if you’re in a long-term pandemic drinking game, go ahead and take a sip for that) issues, these hesitant trips to the mall are often not worth it anyway, because nothing exists any more lol or it’s on some antivaxxer’s truck in Canada.

With Valentine’s Day coming up, here is a review of a lovely new red lip color that’s my new favorite – I love Love Day, I adore red lipstick, let’s get started.

Now first, with any matte, especially one worn in the middle of winter (unless you’re wintering in, like, LA in which case I hate you) you’re gonna wanna do some extra prep before applying. Mattes will highlight every single dry flake of skin and can really make you look like the crypt keeper. I found this lip mask in the back of my bathroom cabinet. I’ve owned it for years after receiving it as a gift; it was 50/50 as to whether or not the ingredients had aged to the point where they expired and might kill me or something.

Not only did it not kill me, it worked like a charm – after I got its slidey, slippery self, so full of moisturizers as it was, out of its packaging and onto my face. And yes, the shape and look of it is 100% adorable and I adored it. Absolutely perfect for a Galentine’s Day spa party or a lil’ V-Day gift.

The trickiest part was waiting the 10 – 15 minutes. I naively had water poured to sip – duh. I normally, like, do things while I’m waiting for a mask to do its thing but unfortunately I had to sort of hold my head a certain way so it wouldn’t fall off. Kind of like if you were a 1950s starlet with cucumber slices over her eyes. I don’t super have time as a Modern Woman to just fucking sit there, but hey, I digress.

I passed time by pretending to be Angelina Jolie at the UN. I think I nailed it!

It did fall off a bit before the time, but WOW, it did the trick. I was thinking it might be too gummy/gluey afterwards but I was thrilled to find that it just made my lips totally, naturally soft, without excess of product. I really felt like they looked better, but maybe I’m just lonely.

Whether or not I went from a 4 to a 12 (hello!), my lips were most certainly smoother, a win for application of the Huda lipstick. The first thing I noticed is the softer texture than Smashbox’s mattes. It definitely has more oil to it, and it’s very easy to slide on. And the pigment is NUTS – completely rich, consistent color that requires only one swipe, no need to layer.

Now, what this texture means is what I hinted at earlier: You have more room for mistakes with this than other long-lasting mattes. I am notoriously terrible at any lip color with a wand – the old-fashioned sticks I think are just more forgiving. And with the long-lasting Smashbox, I was sitting there with a Q-tip and a remover trying desperately to get the right line for literally 20 minutes. That stuff is not for novices! And if you want your daily laugh, here is MOI trying to apply lipstick with a wand. But the point is, I could fix it!

Oh wait, it gets worse.

You can see how I can just wipe it away more easily when it goes where I don’t want it to. And if I’m quick enough, it also doesn’t leave a red stain that I then have to go back and cover with foundation. Of course, what you gain with one you lose with another: This stuff doesn’t go to a true, true matte like others. It’s going to leave marks/come off more like a regular lipstick.

Now to be perfectly fair, the moisturizing of the lip mask beforehand maybe contributed to that. I personally didn’t feel like my lips were even remotely covered in residue – that’s what I liked about that lip mask, actually – but who knows. Also, I noticed this texture difference when I placed it on my hand too. AND – finally, then I swear I’m done – the pigment is so rich that you could smooch a whole lot and your own lips will be pretty stellar. Though I can’t speak for your partner’s. 😉 Here’s after I got myself together.

Overall, I’m a total convert to this, but it really comes down to personal preference. If you have a steady hand, want the truest of long-lasting color and prefer a more true matte look, Smashbox is where to go. Huda is rich, smooth, and long-lasting but not to the point where you need a remover. Essentially, this isn’t an either/or situation, rather delight in knowing there’s an additional perfect matte red out there that you can add to your lip arsenal.

And honestly? Nobody you’re smooching is going to care much anyway. Have fun, lovebirds!